Coming out? How to support your friends and family members when they come out to you.

For two weeks during Pride month, Kingsley Napley are publishing a series of blogs to celebrate Pride and highlight LGBTQ+ issues from home and abroad.  We have included a glossary of terms at the end of this blog.

What will people say?

Will people think less of me if I come out?

I don’t want to hide who I truly am anymore.

Will coming out affect my relationships?

Will my family and friends still like me?

Will I still be able to be successful at work?

Remember… do not describe my partner by their pronoun, just identify them as ‘them’.

Above are thoughts and concerns that someone may have about coming out – these can be really stressful and emotional.

Coming out is an extremely personal journey and will be unique to each person. It takes a lot of courage to come out and a person may have to repeatedly do this in their personal and professional lives. Statistics[1] show that 46% of people who identify as lesbian, gay and bisexual and 47% of people who identify as trans feel comfortable to discuss their orientation or gender identity. That means there is over 50% of people who identify as LGBTQ who have not come out or are in the process of coming out – it is likely that you will come across someone who comes out to you whether it is a relative or a colleague.

It feels particularly pertinent to highlight this issue, as the theme for Pride 2021 is visibility, unity and equality.  In order for our community to be visible, we often have to actively come out.

We look forward to a time when our LGBTQ colleagues, friends and family members are out, without fear of consequence. We also know that when someone comes out to you, it may be a surprise or it may be difficult to know how to respond. 

With that in mind, we have compiled some tips below which I hope are helpful and help to create positive visibility, unity and equality:

Tips
 

• Let the person know you support and love them – they are still the same person they were before coming out. Thank them for disclosing something really personal to you and trusting you.
• It’s ok if you need time to digest what has happened. If this is the case, let the person know you are supportive and need some time to think about what has happened. You could then follow it up with a more detailed discussion and raise any queries you may have – but remember to do this in a supportive way.
• If you have questions which you do not feel comfortable discussing with the person, do some research and then come back to the person to discuss, again in a supportive way. There are many resources online such as the Stonewall website.
• Listen carefully to what the person is saying and try to avoid saying anything flippantly. Remember to be respectful as it takes a lot of courage for someone to come out.
• Try not to label the person who has come out or suggest it is a ‘phase’ which will pass. This can make the person feel dismissed and their feelings and identity not important.
• Even if you are ok with the person coming out, do not ignore the fact that they have come out. Take an interest in the person’s life – if they have a partner, ask how they are.
• Do not assume that the person has come out to everyone or feels comfortable with others knowing too. Do not inadvertently out someone without their consent or knowledge. This is very personal and the person may be coming out in stages or might not feel comfortable with certain people knowing.
• Coming out can be done in person or by email or letter. Either way takes a lot of courage. If it was by email/letter, think about why the person may have decided to come out in this way and how best to support them.
• Ask how you can help or what kind of support they need.
• Ask how they would like you to describe or refer to them. For example, they may have a same-sex partner but identify as bisexual or they may now prefer non-binary pronouns.